By Rob Temple
When staying at a hotel, it’s vital that we all hold on to our polite British eagerness so as to cause the least amount of bother possible and stop the magic of the hotel adventure turning into a depressing culture of bolshy demands and complaints.
So, are you typically British enough? Take the Very British Hotel Quiz below to find out:
1. You go to make tea and discover you’ve already used all the milk. Do you:
A: Shrug, go to the minibar and grab a can of Pepsi instead
B: Decide to head out and grab an espresso and a couple of biscotti, no big deal
C: Desperately search around for a milk alternative, before remembering with great relief that you still have some UHT, which you stole from a train.
2. You’ve accidentally ordered a meal full of nuts, which could very well kill you. Do you:
A: Grab the nearest waiter by the tailcoat and tell him you’ll bust his ass unless he gets a rare T-Bone to your table in the next 30 seconds
B: Say you’re not fussed; you’ll just make do with a carafe of Pinot Noir and a Gauloises
C: Complain quietly to your dining companion, tell the waiter the food is perfect and feel thankful you brought your EpiPen
3. Someone has just pushed in front of you in the queue for reception. What’s your reaction:
A: What’s a queue?
B: What’s a queue?
C: Feeling like you’re about to faint with the silent rage pulsing through you, only noticeable by the throbbing vein on your forehead
4. A doorman is holding the door for you from quite a long distance. What’s your response:
A: Walk slowly and causally through the door and slip a fiver in their top pocket
B: Walk slowly and casually through the door, without making eye contact
C: Sprint to the door, laugh slightly, apologise and then say ‘after you’
5. You’ve lost your room’s key card. What’s the plan of action?
A: Insist the manager accompanies you to your room every time you need entrance
B: Why would you need it? You plan to stay in bed with your partner for the duration of your stay
C: Quietly book another room and abandon all your clothes and toiletries forever
How did you answer?
You’re confident, aggressive and don’t take guff from anyone. Positively American.
A laissez faire attitude and raw sensuality. Delightfully French.
You’re doomed to a life of awkwardness, apology and repression. Congratulations, you’re very British.
Rob Temple is a freelance journalist, proprietor of @soverybritish and author of Very British Problems: Making Life Awkward for Ourselves, One Rainy Day at a Time, out now